right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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