So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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