Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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