the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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