I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
