You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
