You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
