I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize