Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
