I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
