Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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