god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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