Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
