My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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