i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
