If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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