Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
