Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
