On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
