I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
