Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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