some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
