do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize