I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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