I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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