Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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