Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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