Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize