I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
