I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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