I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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