my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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