I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
tell me about the eggs
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