just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
