You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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