Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I want to be your penis for a week.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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