she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
