the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
