drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
