we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
