I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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