does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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