Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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