This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
