May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize