I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
