so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
