I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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