When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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