I looked at my own cervix.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
