After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm both gender and math confused
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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