After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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