Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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