I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just pee around me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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