I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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