Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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