I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
