I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hippo gnu deer
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
