can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
