Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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