remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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